A week ago we could see a video of Pilar Sordo, one of many that he has on YouTube (which I put back on top), in which he explained how parents should educate our children, pointing out the mistakes we make and explaining the solutions.
Many of you could comment on your impressions when watching the video and the truth is that you came very close to what I felt when I saw it. There were those who, on the other hand, supported the words of Pilar Sordo, which is what I expected to happen in greater numbers.
Let's say that professionals who dedicate their lives to making a better world through the next generations are hundreds, and many of them are interesting to read or listen because one always has something to learn. Pilar Sordo, because it is not one of them, because in my view you lose a lot in the ways, in the desire to be funny, without getting it, because you do it in a disrespectful way, and above all because although it says some things that can be very useful for fathers and mothers, says others that can become authentic time bombs. Next I am going to explain the video giving my point of view:
We parents have lost the concept of authority
When talking about parenting styles it is usually explained that the most characteristic are three: the authoritarian, the democratic and the permissive, which would be the one in which parents let their children do everything they want, even losing respect for others .
Pilar Deaf it moves between the criticism of the last two, of which it does not differentiate, and suggests and almost implores, as some people of the generation before us do, that we return to old postulates, that is, to authoritarianism.
The psychologist then confuses authority with authoritarianism. In fact, that person who has to make use of authoritarianism, emotional blackmail, punishment and "because I say so" does so precisely because he has already lost authority.
Authority is not demanded, it is achieved, like respect. Authority has that father who is heard, the one whose children respect because they know that dad is usually right, because he talks, because he explains things, because they know that dad respects them and because he would never harm them physically or morally. The father who has his children frightened or who has them against him, because he does not listen to them, has no authority or respect, is simply a feared father and, as everyone knows, since fear does not usually appear healthy relationships.
"We are the only ones who fear our parents and fear our children"
The "funny" psychologist says that we are the only ones in our childhood who fear our parents and now fear our children and although it is not badly routed, I would explain otherwise. For me, we are the adults who, as children, feared our parents, who told ourselves that we would not be the same as them, and that now that we are parents, we fear being them.
It is true that there are people who have gone to the opposite extreme, that of negligent permissiveness, whose children have taken the helm and direction of the family to the point of despair for many, but it is also true that many try not to reach that end, moving through the middle point, which I would call the democratic upbringing, in which we try to listen, give options, let us choose and explain the reasons why or why not, avoiding "because I am your father", which Mrs. Sordo seems to like so much.
"My little girl, with the same ass face she got up with"
So, with this phrase, Pilar Sordo argues that children have to go see Granny: "She, with the same ass face she got up with", phrase that is accompanied by many laughs, as if it were funny to insult children.
Imagine for a moment that you are in a meeting of caregivers of the elderly and tell them that "your mothers can be persuasive to ask you, from the bed, what they want ... they, with the same ass face with which they got up." It doesn't sound the same, right? Well, we are going wrong if a psychology professional who pretends to teach parents how to educate children insults children to be funny.
In any case, bypassing the horrible forms, it speaks of a family cannot be a democracy. I agree that a family is not an entity in which all components always have a voice and vote, because above all decisions are the parents. But nevertheless there are many, many things that children are able to decide for themselves and that, in fact, we should ask them, so that they learn to make decisions and to learn to have autonomy.
If I make all the decisions because I don't let my children choose and if I don't let them do things that they think they have to do, they will never choose and they will never be wrong ... in any case I will be wrong, that I am the one who has made the decision. So, if a child is not wrong, how on earth will he learn to rectify? How will you learn that your wrong decisions have consequences? How will you learn to be autonomous? How am I going to pretend to grow as a person?
About going to see the grandmother, well yes, you have to go to see the grandmother, of course, that is your family, there I agree with her, however you have to take into account that there are grandmothers and grandmothers. Some are more funny, affectionate and entertaining and others are not so much, and some children would rather not have to put on a good face (sincerity, it is called that ...).
We do nothing at the weekend
Sordo says that it seems that parents are a travel agency on weekends. Well, neither so much nor so little. Going to the theater, going to the movies, spending the weekend in the country, going to see museums, to a concert, to a children's activity, to play sports, to… are parents' excuses to spend time with their children. It is obvious that at an economic level it is difficult to keep a rhythm like this, so do it from time to time is to do something different, is to have fun, is to enjoy, is to be cultured and is to see something beyond the walls of the house.
Similarly, staying home is also very enriching, because there is no other option than talking to your children, right? (Well, yes, watch TV and ignore them, which would be the worst option).
"I don't want my children to spend what I went through"
One of the phrases that the psychologist attacks and destroys is the one that says that today's parents pretend that our children do not go through the same for what we go through, and that is why they receive a different education. As he says, what we went through “was not so bad” and I totally agree, it was not so bad, it did not traumatize us until we got into a psychiatric hospital, but it did help to create a character, behavior and insecurity that many would prefer not having had to overcome now, in adulthood, when the opposite is most needed. It wasn't that bad, but it could have been better, or the less different.
Parents are less and less and children are busier
The last four minutes of the video are, for me, the best, because here I am right Pilar Deaf when saying that a child needs a mother who scratches his head and a father who tells him a story, being all free.
Concluding
I understand that there are people who support the words of the psychologist, because a lost father, or a father who intends to do the best for his children but does not know very well how and the only thing he has are headaches, can cling to the authoritarian method of Here I decide, here you eat this and period and today it is time to go here and there is nothing more to talk about.
That's how we grew up, that's been done for a long time and it's the easy way because it's the way we all know by heart, because it's the one they took with us. It's much harder to talk, describe what you don't like a child for him to change ("I see that you have a totally messy room and that neither you can play nor I can spend"), realizing that a few days pick it up because it wants you to feel good, but others not because it considers it has more important things to do ( choose at all times what you consider best according to your criteria, not ours), to say "until you do not pick up from here you do not move", with what you get a perfect room and a bounced child. Now that, of course, as you have to be a father and be “screwed up”, the important thing according to her is not to promote values such as order or responsibility, values that come out of children, but to have a clean room because it is the parents who They want me to be like that.
Video | Youtube
In Babies and more | The famous limits, "Respecting children does not mean spoiling them all." Interview with the psychologist Ramón Soler, Five basic steps to raise positive and without punishment
