The theme of the brothers and preparing for a second child It is the one that we are going to try today in our Maternity and Paternity Course, where we will offer you some practical exercises to perform before making the decision.
The decision to have a child should always be thoughtful and responsible. But when we talk of the second or subsequent children, the responsibility is even greater. Not only do we talk about the fact that we, adults, will be responsible for the well-being of our son, but we also have to know that the brother who already exists will have to continue being treated as he needs.
The time and reasons to increase the family
The time to increase the family It depends, therefore, on many factors and nobody but the parents themselves know what their circumstances are. However, if you allow me, the reasons for having another child should take into account the needs of the older brother and our real possibilities of continuing to serve them, not only materially, but especially emotionally.
Another issue would be to analyze our reasons for wishing a second child: neither giving a brother to the elder, nor reinforcing a couple with disagreements are the best reasons. In fact, we must assess very well if our son is ready to share us and if our partner is solid and we have clear common ideas. A child is not a glue for the couple and will not necessarily be the ideal partner for the elder (but we will talk about that on another occasion).
Attend two children without neglecting any
Our upbringing, in Western society, develops in the nuclear family, we rarely live daily with the extended family or with a permanent group of people who love and help us. Therefore, the brothers will be with their parents for a long time and we should be able to attend to the two children without neglecting either.
That is precisely why I emphasize how important it is to take into account children's needs when we make the decision to have a second child. There is no ideal age, but an ideal situation, one in which we feel prepared not to be overwhelmed and to give each one what they need according to their age.
A baby needs a lot from his mother, almost permanent attention. Some "techniques" will help us rest better and be close to him without having to duplicate ourselves, such as picking up or porting. But even then, the older brother, if he is under three years old, will continue to demand a lot of attention from us and it would not be fair to ask him to mature early or to see his needs continually delayed.
With help and a good attitude it is possible to reach everything, but if the older child is very demanding or we tend to lose control when we are overwhelmed or exhausted, perhaps it is better to wait a bit.
Organization
Some basic things should be clear, such as home organization for the new member, work schedules, the care of the elderly when the mother is in the hospital or giving birth at home and some emergency plans in case of unforeseen health.
It wouldn't hurt to ask for help before birth. Know if we have a friend or relative to accompany us in the puerperium, someone to clean the house or take the older one to school if we are going to be at home with the baby, especially if you do not have a car and it is winter and you think you do not You will be able to leave at half past eight in the morning with both of you.
Practical exercise: Act as if you were already here
Although real life always surprises us and things can flow very well, there is a Practical exercise I usually propose to parents who want a second child: act as if you had it before conceiving it.
No need to get in the worst, just a normal delivery and a puerperium. Load a doll in your arms, stop to prepare the bottle or breastfeed according to the usual frequency, change diapers, wash clothes. Do not sleep. Feed the elder, change his clothes if he still needs it, play with him or do his homework. But imagine that the little one cries or gets sick.
And do all that without your eldest son having trouble feeling apart or end up scolding him for nonsense and attending equally to his dream, his fears, his pranks or his daily challenges. If you can with it, you can consider having another child. If not, wait a bit and reorganize yourself.
This exercise usually gives a excellent result, because it allows parents to face what it would really mean for their daily life to attend to a new child and to develop new strategies so that this moment is joyful also for the older brother. If you do, as I propose, do not stop telling us your impressions and feelings.
Practical exercise: Journal of feelings
It is necessary, above all, to face your fears, the problems that you could have in childhood with your siblings and you may have hidden in your memory, with your feelings as a small child, the setbacks or worries of the birth of your first child .
Take a notebook and spend a few minutes every day writing something about our childhood, our siblings or our desire to have them and about the issues we are concerned with with this new child we want and our reasons for having it will help us a lot to reorganize our ideas and know our emotions.
In the exercise I advise that both members of the couple keep that little diary independently and then share it, better if you are accompanied by a very trustworthy person who can guide you when there are discrepancies or difficulties in reaching agreements.
This diary is equally useful when the first child is expected, but in that case it is usually convenient to raise specific issues on which future parents reflect and then debate, although that would be another topic for our Maternity and Paternity Course.
It is a matter of being prepared for this very important decision of a brother come that will affect the life of the child as much as that of the parents, so it is part of the process to reflect on how we are going to live this experience.
