CAN THEY FALL IN LOVE WITH FOUR YEARS? THE FIRST LOVE IN CHILDREN

“Mommy, Pepito is my boyfriend”. Listening to this may cause us laughter and / or tenderness, but ... Can children really fall in love? Is it love or is it friendship? What can parents do in these situations? We tell you all about the first loves and how to manage it with our children.

Love, crush and emotions

Around the age of 3 the children go from the game in parallel to the cooperative game, that is, to play "with" and not "with" other children. This step, this leap in development, makes his world of interactions at the emotional level expands: until now they were dad, mom (attachment figures), but now there are others with whom they want to interact, little people with whom they also share tastes and concerns: the same.

It is not surprising, therefore, that those ties they establish with other children become significant relationships for them, with their corresponding emotions, that they want to spend time together and that when they do, they are the sea of pleasure: so that there is a crush, only that it is not as such and as adults understand it.

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Is From 8 years when the concept of friendship becomes something more solid: at this age they begin to have cognitive capacity to understand the absolute, as always, never ... with which they can draw more long-term projections about their relationships. At this age they also begin to understand and process the reciprocal of friendship, which makes their conception about it more "precise" than in previous stages of development.

In general, we talk about the age at which children really "jump" cognitively and emotionally and have a real capacity to fall in love and have "romantic feelings" as adults understand it is around 10-12 years.

Boyfriends or very good friends?

From these relationships of attachment with their peers (with some more than with others) to "courtships" there is a variable of great importance: our influence on them. Many times the influence that adults exert In children, through language, she is responsible for some things ... as in this case the use of the word "boyfriends".

How many times will we have heard grandparents, uncles or friends (or ourselves, without going any further) tell our children that "Is your boyfriend?" ... With 3 or 4 years do not finish understanding the concept "courtship ”, But they use it just like they use other words that they hear us say.

In preschool age, in addition, a good part of children's play goes through the imitation: replicate behaviors observed by adults. This imitation favors its development and is a valuable learning source. Well, relationships are one more behavior to imitate, such as cooking, working or cleaning ...

We call it falling in love, but it's not like the adult

No, it is not like the adult, it does not have the components and connotations that adults grant to love relationships, which for us are much more complex. As I said before, these “childhood crushes” lack the connotations of “romanticism” as such, they are more “simple”. This does not mean that in these contexts true feelings arise, and this is something we should keep in mind: they are small, but their emotions are real and they are there.

With 3, 4 or 5 years old, that crush is innocent, bounded, fickle and temporary:

Innocent: It does not have the implications of adult crush, it lacks the social rules that we have established in "boyfriend" relationships. In the kids it is all simpler, it is simply that they are especially comfortable with another specific child, and they like to play together and their company. These "loves" are their way of showing that their development is going well, that they are adding attachment figures, people with whom they share emotions, that they are not dad or mom. Therefore it is not bad, it is part of its normal evolution and emotional development.
Bounded: On many occasions we find “the boyfriend of the school” and / or “the boyfriend of the urbanization”… This reinforces the idea that we are more in the face of new relevant figures than in true relationships, understood as adults do , of courtship.
Voluble and passenger: anything can make that special relationship end, they are usually not very consistent, and with the same ones that appeared ... disappear (because the toy has been taken away from me, because now I prefer to play with Juanito instead of Pepito ...).

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Can you fall in love with dad / mom?

It is a bit the same situation as with equals: it is about normal affections, big emotions aimed at people who care. They do not distinguish "between loves," they only know that they are comfortable with someone, and that "it is theirs." In the case of parents, the issue of imitation is also stronger: they are the examples and figures that are most at hand. We should not worry, there is nothing wrong with it.

What to do if our little one tells us that she has a boyfriend or girlfriend?

Not bad: The first thing is to understand that these crushes are part of our son's natural development, and that it is not something negative at all.
Respect: We may find it very funny, but his feelings, as I said before, are real.
Be there: support him in the good (the illusion of dating) and in the bad (for example if the other decides that he prefers to play with another child and “the courtship is over”).
Encourage him to express his feelings: between 3 and 5 years our kids change a lot, they are learning to manage their emotions, so that a "crush" will be a cocktail of emotions that should talk to us. In addition, this will help you understand that you can talk about everything, it will strengthen your confidence in us.
Discretion: However tender and funny this may seem to us, these are still real emotions, those of our son, so going to tell family and friends as if it were a gracieta can make you feel bad, ridiculous.
Not interfere: If “they claim to be boyfriends” it is because they have decided, who are we to say that they cannot be? If we forbid you to express your emotions as you feel them, we are conveying the idea that your feelings are negative and that may affect your self-esteem.
Listen to him: Maybe with the "rush of love" they want to talk a lot about "their boyfriend", it is normal, it has happened to all of us, right? Let's hear what he has to say, the good and the bad, the nerves, the doubts, it is a great opportunity to work on topics such as friendship, intimacy, desires against the facts ...

Between 3 and 5 years, small loves exist, not as adults understand them, of course, but they are still feelings and emotions. Let us accompany our children in these first adventures, with respect and affection. And when they are older we will laugh together as “her boyfriend / child”, because she is really cute.

Photos: Pexels.com

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