Since I was a father I have been gradually realizing the existence of a basic commandment when it comes to talking about children: Haste has always been a bad advisor.
To raise a child it takes little more than patience and the rush we have is inversely proportional to how quickly our children are willing to pay attention to us.
If we add to this that when we arrive late or want to go quickly, our requests become mandates and what is relatively important becomes vital, we get an almost immediate conflict.
Our actions are accelerating, we want to dress them now and stop doing what they are already doing and, as I say, children end up getting angry or refusing to keep up with our rhythm because, it seems they want to tell us clearly, “Dad, it's not my fault if it's been too late for you "and" Dad, I don't have a watch, in fact, I don't even know what that time is. "
And I am sorry for all the parents that we have despaired and for all the children who have had to do things reluctantly, because in this case, they usually have the reason.
In a parent-child relationship there are two different schedules (one of the father and one of the son) that at specific times have to agree more or less to do something determined together.
If they are at home, the child playing and the father preparing the meal (for example), at the moment they are going to eat the schedule of both of them get together, because the two (and the rest of the family too, of course) are going to sit at the table to eat.
Now, does the time to go eat coincide with the moment when the child stops playing? What if we call him to come to eat but he still wants to play for a while longer?
There are days when hunger can do more than the desire to play and children eagerly await the first course. There are others in which eating can wait and prefer to play.
In the face of this type of conflict, each parent decides how to act at all times and each parent gives a certain importance to the schedules or family customs.
In my case I usually negotiate with him: “Do you want to play a little more? Okay, five more minutes and we are going to eat, ”it seems like an intermediate decision between what he wants and what I want.
I do not mind waiting 5 more minutes and he, although he would like to play a little longer, it seems good to go to eat and stop the game after that little bit more. Still I understand that there are fathers and mothers who prefer to do it in a more or less flexible way.
However, on the days that are in a hurry, those five minutes are worth gold and they, many times, have a hard time understanding that "it is already". If we also consider that The more hurry we have, the less they are willing to run, the conflict is a matter of minutes.
What to do? Well, what each one considers most appropriate. In my view, when we are late, the fault is usually ours (and when I say ours I mean the parents and the social machinery). They do not know about clocks, time, unplayable obligations or strict schedules. They spend the day doing what we do, going shopping, looking at clothes (which by the way get bored of the unspeakable), at the bank, running errands, and a little while in the park but “come on let's go have to make dinner” .
If at any of those moments they are planted and say “Enough! For a while I am playing quietly, let me "I think the least we can do is try to understand your posture.
If there is no hurry, we can let you play for a while longer. If there is, and you have to leave, then it cannot be, but at least we will understand your anger by allowing you to express your discomfort and naming your feelings, if necessary: “You are angry because you wanted to play for a while longer, right? I know, honey, and I'm sorry, but we have to go. ”
Phrases like "don't cry it's not so much" or "I've told you that we have to go, period" they move away from their feelings and what they are living at that time.
If afterwards there is the possibility that he will continue playing, he can be told that “if you want later, when we return, you continue playing for a while”. You can even mention what bothered us when we were like this when we were little: “I remember that when I was a child I also got mad at my father because I wanted to keep playing something and we had to go”.
Summarizing, the rush is bad counselors and cause this kind of imbalance and anger. Since we often end up taking them against their wishes, what we should do is, at least, respect their feelings and allow their anger understanding that they live in a freer and less organized (or typecast) world than ours ( and probably happier, for this reason).
Photos | Flickr (allygirl520), Flickr (Ernst Vikne)
In Babies and more | Slow childhood, Entrances of Being Dad, To be good parents there are things that can not be missing, How to say no without saying "no"
